Just Life

Currently // July 2016

Hi! I came across a currently link-up through Anne in Residence, and thought it’d be fun to jump on in. I’m a sucker for link-ups, what can I say?? 😉

Each month, the prompts are different. These seemed pretty cool, so without further ado…

toasting ~ having a new job! I got hired as a cat sitter with a really cool company and am excited about the new work I’ve been doing, and all the cute kitties I’ve been meeting!

going ~ to the Labyrinth Masquerade Ball tomorrow!! I’m so excited that Tina is also going so I can have someone to dress up with and dance with. I’ll write a whole write up about it afterward!

smelling ~ vinegar! I used this method to clean my tub today, and it really worked wonders. The shower will be next!!

wearing ~ blue! Apparently, it’s my color of the week. I am also excited to be wearing a tank top today. It was long sleeves yesterday, at only 67 degrees F, and raining. Today, it’s still raining a bit, but the sun is out and it’s more like 71, and it’s really pretty!

wishlisting ~ a whole bunch of stuff over at modcloth. I’ve never bought anything from them before, but I browsed their site the other day, looking for potential outfit possibilities for the Labyrinth Ball, and I pretty much want everything they have! SUCH cute stuff over there!

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Just Life, Parenting

One Quiet Mourning

Content warning ~ This post discusses pregnancy loss. Written earlier this week ~~.

Today, July 5, marks three years since the day I said goodbye. It’s the day I had a D&C to remove what the doctors called a Missed Miscarriage, and what I called my baby.

Miscarriage can be really hard. Definitely harder than I ever expected it would be.

Sometimes it’s super quick, a loss of something that was known about for a day. Sometimes it’s mid-way through the pregnancy, or a late term loss. Some people may not feel so devastated about an early loss, though some people absolutely do. Some people become pregnant again afterward with their Rainbow Baby, and that helps with healing. And some women are sad for years after the fact, whether they have another baby or not. Not all the time. But when the anniversaries come up, it’s just hard.

Three years ago, after book club had ended, as I was getting ready to go home, I used the restroom and saw some bright red blood, and came out and pretended like nothing had happened, like everything was ok. Told myself nothing was going on. Discussed cute, fun pregnancy talk as I made my way out the door, while a blaring siren went off in the back of my mind saying, “You might not get to have these conversations much longer, if you’re losing the baby..” I turned away from that feeling, headed home with my little (then- 2 yr old) boy, picked up my husband from work. At home there was more bleeding, more fear, lots of tears and panicked feelings, a call to the nurse help line who told me to rest and see a doctor as soon as possible. That was June 27. On June 28, I went to the doctor, and was told I’d lost the baby. (Well first I was told I needed to rush to the next hospital for an emergency ultrasound. There is where they told me I’d lost the baby.) And July 1st, maternity insurance began (i.e., I got bills for months regarding tests done on June 28, tests that ultimately wrecked our checking account and did nothing to save my baby…)

And July 5th was my surgery. Just one week shy of the second trimester…

So, July 4th? Wasn’t a happy holiday that year! Or since, unfortunately. I haven’t been able to enjoy it. I actually really like flags, parades, BBQs, celebrations, the whole wearing patriotic colors and making little crafts, or cute themed food to celebrate the holiday. I even like fireworks (though I understand the many reasons not to be a fan of them.) It can all be so much fun! It’s great!

But, I just can’t do it. I wasn’t ready for it again this year. I wanted to be. I thought I would be! But I’d gotten behind, overwhelmed with juggling new tasks, and forgot to ask friends about the ONE local celebration I knew of, and by the time I remembered I’d wanted to check in with someone for details, it was over. I felt like I’d dropped the ball, and felt sorry for myself, and down on myself for “always doing this” and “missing out.” But then I also just felt sad generally, too, dreading today. Thoughts of my dreams for that baby floated through my imagination, and I just… needed to grieve some more, I guess.

Part of what sucks so much about it is imagining others thinking you “should” be over it already. Others maybe thinking you’re “crazy.” Like who knows if anyone is actually thinking that, but it feels like they would be. I almost didn’t want to write this, because I kept telling myself, “People are going to think you’re nuts and just can’t get over it, like you should be able to…” But I’m writing it. Because it’s important.

You know what makes it really hard, I think? It’s the fact that when these feelings do arise, it’s such a lonely feeling. No one else thinks about the little lost one I loved and desperately wanted. I alone carry her in my heart. Sometimes I wish I could just let go more, but most of the time I am able to remind myself it’s NOT unheard of or silly or anything like that to remember the beginning of someone. To feel how I feel. I was sad and dreaded today, thinking it’d be so much worse than yesterday.

But it wasn’t. By the time I woke up this morning, the time I’d had my surgery three years ago was long since past. It was over. And then… it felt over. At least for now. Once I get past June 28, July 4th (with the memories of the holiday I couldn’t bring myself to celebrate), and July 5th (the day I had to truly say goodbye), then I am in the clear for a while… At least until Jan 11, the would-be due date. It’s kind of like the end of a season, and once I’m past it, I can just sigh and breathe again. I don’t have to brace myself against the memories, or wade through the melancholy, and associated mixed feelings about the melancholy. Getting to this day is getting through the other side again, feeling my own personal mourning, and then letting it go for another several months or maybe even a year, depending on what the emotional impact is of the next go around of these dismal anniversaries.

More and more, I try to just celebrate what I DO have. I have a sweet and loving husband, an amazing little boy, a cute cat, and silly little dog. They all drive me crazy sometimes, but that’s part of the human experience, I think! Being driven mad with love! I adore them all to pieces.

And I also remember to celebrate the little life that could have been, but wasn’t. The little life I wanted in my life, that caused me to dream and plan and made me feel so enamored and blissful and magical all over again. I’m grateful for the first trimester we did have together, and try to remember the sweetness of those first weeks.

Will I have more children? If I do, will that heal my heart? Or will it just be a happy blissful joy in my life to enjoy on top of the quiet mourning that (may always?) occur(s) alongside my joy? If I don’t, will I continue to just heal with time, slowly but surely? One can hope.

There’s always hope.

snow drop / free stock photo / pixabay.com

Just Life

When You Were Birthed-ed…

Yesterday morning, when Homer woke up, he came out to the living room where I was sitting on the couch, climbed into my lap and said, “I’m a little baby!”

I held him and said, “You are my baby. Always.”

“Will you tell me all about when I was birthed-ed?”

“You want to hear the story of when you were born?”

“Yeah!”

“Sure, ok!”

I mean who can say no to that?! He loves it when I tell him about how instead of crying a big cry, he squeaked and it made the staff and us laugh. And then he just laid quietly in my arms. Earlier this year, on his fifth birthday, I told him the entire story, with exactly that wording when I got to that part. And when I said the word quietly, he was still stuck on having made everyone laugh with his newborn squeaking. So his newly 5 yr old self, recreating the scene, kept squeaking over and over and over. And I told him, “I said quietly. QUIETLY!!” in feigned anger. And he thought that was SO funny!

So that was what he was getting at yesterday. He eagerly awaited the part where I said he laid there quietly, and then yesterday, he started squeaking like crazy, so that I’d shout, “I said quietly. QUIETLY!!” at him. Which of course I did. And he laughed so hard! I adore him. I love that he loves replaying bits. This kid has an awesome sense of humor!!

homerlaugh

Just Life, Uncategorized

2015 End of Year Wrap Up

For weeks, I’ve been intending to revamp my blog, to start actually writing here. I feel a bit guilty about just completely dropping the ball on my photo project this year. It was a few weeks, maybe even months, before I realized I wasn’t going to catch up. So I finally conceded, and thought, ok, time to drop the photo project, and start actually writing. And then that didn’t happen. And now, hey, it’s almost the new year, which means it’s the perfect time to revamp everything. New headers, new about me page! And then… I still had to write! Ha. The downfall of writing – actually having to sit down and do it.

Truer words were never spoken, Mr. Gaiman.

So here I am – to write, to get things down, to begin again, to step forward, one foot still in 2015, the next lifted and in ever-moving-slowly-forward motion stepping frame by frame into the first moments of 2016. And in the pause of that step, over the threshold of the new year, I’ll take a moment to reflect on the year as a whole. (If I can remember back that clearly! I swear, it’s a wonder if I can remember last week much less the whole year, but let’s see where this takes us!)

In 2015…

I started and ended therapy with a psychiatrist. She was pretty great in many ways, but ultimately, she had a very rigid cancellation policy that caused more anxiety than she was helping me overcome. I learned a lot with her, how to dig deep to examine my emotions more, and how to stand up to her and say “This isn’t working for me.” That was hard as hell, but I’m glad I did it. Will I go see someone new? I’m considering it. I think therapy is great for most people, so it’s a good thing to seek out.

My little boy started preschool! We had gone to a type of preschool in California, but it had been long enough that it felt like starting completely new. It’s been so sweet an experience! I am glad to be part of a co-op, in which I get to participate and be around the kids, and be part of the class as a whole, along with the other parents who are all doing the same thing, too. It’s a really cool experience!

I had kidney stones for the first (and let’s hope ONLY) time! That was absolutely horrendous. Just completely freaking awful. I had no idea they were like that.

Relatedly, I became a vegetarian. I am really happy with this decision, and may write a bunch more on that soon!

My sweet little guy weaned. It’s been six months, but he still gets sad about it every so often. He’s so cute. Breastfeeding a 4 yr old is another subject that should be its own blog post, really! (This is becoming a list of things I ought to delve into more fully!!)

Speaking of my little guy – he had surgery for the first time too! Holy hell, that was a crazy frickin’ ride, but at least we got through it as smoothly as possible.

I did NaNoWriMo again, and in starting a new novel, my brain finally spat out the plot to my old novel. So my brand new novel may or may not ever take off, and my old novel may actually become a complete finished first draft. So, a draft of suckitude, as all first drafts are, but a completed first draft of suckitude, and that’s nothing to sneeze at. Then there comes the editing, which… hell. Whew. Ok, I won’t think of that just yet! One step at a time.

I made lots of handmade stuff for Christmas, which was fun. Not every gift was handmade, but several were, and it was fun getting crafty this holiday season!

And saving the best for last, I got to be there for the birth of my new baby nephew!! That was so… just amazing. So, so amazing. I am still speechless, months later. It means the absolute world to me that I got to be there to witness something so extraordinary, that I could assist my wonderful friend/sis-in-law with various things that come up during birth. And even help my brother, too. I got to be included in the birth team, and it was one of the most amazing experiences of my life, and I’m forever grateful to be part of it. And I LOVE my nephew! He has the cutest smile and most scrumptious cheeks ever. (I’m staring at his photo framed on my desk now, one of my awesome Christmas presents from my family!) I got to be part of his very first Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas festivities too! Such a smitten auntie I am, seriously!!

I also have a new baby niece, Winnie!! I’m so excited to have her in the family, and can’t wait to meet her in person!

My big fear now is that I’m forgetting something absolutely massive and I’m going to accidentally hurt someone’s feelings. That’s one of the hardest parts of writing online, honestly – that fear! Please know that I care deeply about my friends and family, always, always, and never want to hurt anyone or leave anyone out. Hopefully this is a decent wrap up, and I’ll leave it at that.

So much love to all of my friends and family, and anyone else who happens to be reading this too, and wishing you all a VERY Happy New Year!!!